Why I decided not to renounce my faith

As you may have noticed, I have not posted in awhile. The reason is that I went through a crisis of faith. But I want to tell it to you as a story not as a fact. It was frightening, exciting, depressing, and infuriating... and perhaps you might relate.

Just about a week ago I nearly renounced Christianity. I don't say this lightly or jokingly. In fact, the experience was really scary for me. The thoughts had struck me at church on the day before Easter. The direct reason was hearing the pastor talk about a passage in 1 Corinthians 15. But it was a long time coming. I remember once telling someone that I would renounce Christianity if I was ever convinced it was false. But lately I had been questioning that statement. Why? Because even if it weren't true, I think I would still want the community, the purpose, the ethical guidelines. In short, I liked being a Christian regardless of whether or not it was true.

That's no problem right? Not when the text I believe in says differently (1 Corinthians 15):

12But if it is preached that Christ has been raised from the dead, how can some of you say that there is no resurrection of the dead? 13If there is no resurrection of the dead, then not even Christ has been raised. 14And if Christ has not been raised, our preaching is useless and so is your faith. 15More than that, we are then found to be false witnesses about God, for we have testified about God that he raised Christ from the dead. But he did not raise him if in fact the dead are not raised. 16For if the dead are not raised, then Christ has not been raised either. 17And if Christ has not been raised, your faith is futile; you are still in your sins. 18Then those also who have fallen asleep in Christ are lost. 19If only for this life we have hope in Christ, we are to be pitied more than all men.

If it isn't true, my faith is worthless. I had reached the breaking point. What did I do? I started to think about some of the apologetics arguments - how can things become better by random chance, how can matter create itself, and that there is evidence for a "young earth." But I had never been impressed with apologetics. In fact I was quite frustrated with some of them for their lack of understanding of evolution. I then thought about how centuries ago people could attribute to God much more of the universe. They couldn't understand rain, solar systems, mental illness, and many other things. These are things which we have a naturalistic understanding of - we know how they work. And because we know how they work, we don't really see God in them like they did before.

So how am I supposed to believe in God if he doesn't show himself??? But in the midst of this something else was going on in my mind. The fact was that I had really grown spiritually lately. Not the cheesy, "Oh God is still working on me." No my life has really gotten better and both my actions and my thoughts are reflecting it (believe it or not for those who know me - but I know it for myself). But this was tearing at me because I had spent years praying for something to change me. But it was not until I started praying, reading my Bible regularly, having accountability, and being more vulnerable was I able to grow. I thought back on the nights I would cry out to God to change me but I was not willing to take the first step and take action. But shouldn't the great God of the universe make the first step? Shouldn't he transform my heart so that I would really want to change? I know that God wants me to be involved and all that - but I couldn't believe how God could let me suffer all that time and not take action himself.

By this time I was nearly ready to quit. And you might think I would have stopped this dangerous train of thought - taking it as an "attack from the devil." But that seemed too dishonest at the time. So instead I started thinking about what it would mean to give up my faith. It would mean that I would probably have to leave my school, a seminary. I would have to tell my parents and friends. I was afraid that leaving the faith would cause others in my family to leave as well- and I would end up being hated. My whole career would change. I was planning to write books about how to become a better person of faith! How ironic! It felt like so much of my self was dripping away. And why not? Being a Christian has been a huge part of my life.

But then some hope! No not from God. I realized that I could keep going to church. I liked church: the music, the friends, the encouragement, and the accountability. I liked living by the Christian ethic. I wouldn't give up my faith for sex, drugs, and rock and roll. I didn't want an excuse to sin. I simply wanted to be free from my mind-constricting faith in a non-existent God. And then I thought about a book: Why I Left the Church. It would be my autobiography. I was starting to feel a new purpose in life and it was to open Christians minds to the ridiculousness of their faith.

But as you have already read, the subject is why I decided not to renounce my faith. It wasn't by divine revelation. God didn't talk in a booming voice to me. But my dad had been watching TV and had flipped the channel to a show with Dr. Gene Scott, a Biblical expert from Stanford. He was sharing on how we know that Jesus was resurrected. And, as the passage above says, that's where it all comes down to. I won't go into all the details but basically we know that he was resurrected because his disciples all split off and all but one ended up dying for saying that Jesus was the Messiah and Son of God. And how ridiculous is it to say that a guy who had died was God??? But these people went to the grave out of a deep respect for Christ and a desire to prove his identity.

Well let's just say that the message hit me. I went to my room and sat down to pray. And it felt like someone was listening once again. So in the matter of 24 hours I went from doubting God's existence to nearly renouncing my faith to being sure once again that God is real. Since then I feel like my faith was completely torn down. It's now being rebuilt. Other things are starting to make more sense. I talked to one person in the midst of my doubting. He told me that I would come out with a stronger faith, never himself doubting that I would give up my faith (even though I felt certain that I was going to). He is being shown right.

What has the experience taught me? Well first of all it was refreshing to finally come out and be honest about my doubts. Whenever I had doubts before I would typically censor them so they would come out one at a time. But being honest was what allowed me to really understand the reality of Jesus' work. Secondly I learned I have a lot of anger towards God. I discovered that because I feel like I've been dealt a raw deal at times, I just do not trust God. Then I learned that my emotions can really focus my thoughts. Despite the fact that I do have evidence for the presence of God, my anger just made me focus on the negative experiences so that I could justify leaving God.

So now I am Christian. I feel more confident that God exists. I am even starting to believe that it was Him who started to change me. But I know that I need to stay honest. I have to doubt and be real to be a person of faith. Otherwise my faith is useless.