One time someone was asking me how I decided to go into psychology. I told them that people just seemed to open up when they sat down and talked with me. He then casually said, "Because you listen well, right?" But my first response, and I had never thought much about this, was "No, because I know how to ask questions."
I think people are begging to be asked questions. It's not only that they like to talk and being asked questions frees them up to do so, though this is a part. It is also because people are afraid that the other person does not care. When you ask questions you say that you care about what they feel and know.
But asking questions isn't always an easy task. Most of the questions we ask one another are close-ended questions that stifle dialogue, such as, "How are you?" - "Fine." Those kinds of questions suggest that we want to know just tidbits about you. Open-ended questions are the best way to really get a person to open up and engage in dialogue. But asking open ended questions depends on actually be interested in what the other person might be able to share.
Which brings us to how asking questions is an art.
I believe real art comes from the heart. The artist actually is painting the way that they experience the world. They paint or sculpt or compose from the emotions that are bubbling up from them. Asking questions should occur in the same way. We simply need to be aware of what we want to know about a person. In everyday life we are very curious about the lives of other people. We ask hundreds and maybe even thousands of questions about other people over the course of the day. From "Why did you cut me off?" to "What's it like to be a spider?" These questions occur at our innermost soul. We simply need to "listen" or realize what we want to know.
But that makes it sound like to ask good questions you need to be some kind of mystic. But that's not true. But if you felt that way then you're asking the question, "How can I actually learn to do this?" and that is a good place to start. Learn from that feeling inside of you that might have arisen when I was sharing about paying attention to your heart... that is the kind of feeling that you need to let form itself into a question. Let your frustrations become a question. Let your anger become a question. Let your excitement and curiousity become a question.
Were you feeling angry, excited, bored, or frustrated as you read this?
Why were you feeling that way?
What questions did you want to ask to satisfy that emotion?
3 comments:
yes - and there are so many types fo questions: data gathering, clarifying, feeding back, getting feedback, probing, rhetorical, open-ended, closed, exploratory, wondering together, synthetic.
here's a synthetic one: "i'm interested why you've changed the photo on your blog profile since we spoke - can you explain that to me?"
Haha! Well you said my last picture made me look really young. This picture gives me a more pensive look. Plus I like updating my page regularly with new stuff. So expect a new picture shortly!
Oh and your comment highlights that there is a technical aspect to asking questions as well. It is a skill that can be developed with practice and feedback. Questions are best posed when you have some knowledge of where you want to go with your questions. But, like I said, the best way is to learn to pay attention to your own internal state as you interact with others in order to guide those questions.
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