Counseling married couples will often lead to talk about divorce. How ought a Christian therapist handle this? Should they refer? Should they tell the client not to get divorced? I have some thoughts on the matter but I wanted to begin with my view of marriage. In Genesis 2, the institution of marriage is introduced as a relationship that places a person in a community. The person moves from being under their parents to being married to another person. I believe that this is because marriage was designed to be a place where people have the opportunity to be understood and cared for. Marriage is designed to produce growth. I like to compare it to Jesus' teaching about the Sabbath, marriage was created for people not people for marriage.
I believe that although marriage is a covenant that we ought to be committed to, there are times when the relational difficulties between a couple are so intense and so intertwined that they are nearly impossible to change. In these situations, when carrying on in a marriage will cause more harm than a divorce will, and all options have been exhausted, a divorce is permissible. As a therapist I would see it as my responsibility to discern both the extent of interpersonal conflict and the ability of the relationship to heal after new interpersonal skills are gained. Some marriages would create greater harm if they remain together than if they divorce - sometimes we need to be honest about the likelihood of recovery and how long such recovery would take.
Divorce is a painful experience for both the couple and any children. Therefore, if a couple comes into therapy with only one intent - how to get divorced with the least amount of damage to the children - I would make it clear to the client that I would first assess their relational skills and the possibility of recovering the marriage. But if I agree with their own assessment of the state of their marriage, that divorce is the best option, then I will have no problem with counseling them in how to have a peaceable relationship through the divorce and afterwards.
4 comments:
Hello. First I’d like to say that your first paragraph, especially the last sentence, I feel is well thought-through and Biblical – the last sentence is intriguing and gave me some food for thought.
However…I was very surprised at some things that you wrote in the subsequent paragraphs. First, the opening sentence of your second paragraph places the ‘covenant’ in such a light as to make keeping it seem certainly preferable to the alternative, but not mandated by our prior covenant with God himself. In other words, it seems to weaken the idea of marriage as a covenant significantly. You go on to state that the intensity and complexity of the interpersonal difficulties can reach a degree that would warrant divorce. It is my understanding that our Biblical justification for divorce is limited to unfaithfulness or abandonment. How is your additional criterion to be justified?
You don’t give any evidence that your opinion is grounded in Scripture, nor is there any mention of separation here at all.
Second, as a Christian therapist – how can you ‘discern’ that the extent of the interpersonal conflict merits divorce if, as it has been suggested, interpersonal conflict is not Biblical justification for dissolving the covenant of marriage? Additionally, it would seem that judging the extent of interpersonal conflict would be highly subjective, too subjective I might argue, to allow us to make our judgments the standard by which we violate God’s. It seems that due to this very reason, that of the limited capacity of our understanding, we need to hold to principles higher than our own.
Also... I don’t mean to sound harsh, and usually your blog is very interesting and enlightening – however, I did find this post somewhat bewildering. I also realize that people do go through serious issues and I’d rather not sound ‘legalistic’ and insensitive to serious conflicts, but the concerns are there nonetheless. Thanks.
Sara
tsvietok@gmail.com
I appreciate your response and your readership. First of all I hope that you understand that in a blog I can't fully enumerate all of the reasons I hold certain beliefs. But in retrospect I think I should have spelled out the support for my belief Biblically and logically in greater detail, as it would have led to less confusion. I think you're absolutely right about suggesting separation and I should have mentioned that as an option! Not including that was a mistake on my part because that can be very healing for many couples.
I first want to explain my Biblical understanding of the passages on divorce. Jesus speaks on divorce in the Sermon on the Mount and he is also quoted in the three synoptic gospels (Matt, Mark, and Luke). Paul also spoke about divorce in 1 Cor. But to understand what is said we have to start with the cultural context. Jewish society was patriarchal and women had very few rights. A man could divorce his wife and she was left without property and little means to support herself. Also, as a divorcee she would be unlikely to attract new husbands.
In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus says, "I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery." Matt 5:32. I believe that Jesus was saying, I care for women and want to make sure they are taken care of and not abandoned. The consequence of divorce is that she is devalued and few men will want to take her, a non-virgin, as their wife.
Many will often read that verse as if it actually said, "Do not divorce, unless there has been sexual unfaithfulness." But the actual verse is not a command but a description of the effects of divorce.
The other Jesus passage about divorce is Matthew 19 (similar versions are in Mark and Luke). Again, although we could read in that Jesus is stating a command, Jesus is only describing the action. But you may respond that he is calling it adultery and that is equivalent to commanding against divorce. I can understand this point of view but I am reading the verse through the belief that marriage is meant to serve people not enslave them. As such, divorce is not a worse type of sin than the conflicts already present in a very broken marriage.
Perhaps the following will illustrate the point I am making. Let's say you were at your parents home and a telemarketer calls on the phone and asks to speak to your dad. Your dad tells you to tell them he's not home. You have the choice to either: lie or not show your father honor. Here the choice I am presenting to you is that it is either divorce or continued emotional damage. Both are sinful, but a choice needs to be made. "If your right eye causes you to sin, pluck it out." Couldn't this be applied, with some reservations, to broken marriages?
Jesus was not a legalist. In fact he argued against legalism quite often. This is because God is not a legalist. Jesus quotes Hosea: "I desire obedience not sacrifice." God is willing to forego legal requirements (such as do not divorce) to win our hearts back to him.
My response to Paul (who DOES command not to divorce unless there is marital unfaithfulness) is that he is writing a pastoral letter to a particular church. The Corinthian church had a lot of really bad family issues (such as incest) and I suggest that he is trying to provide some stability for the sake of the church as a whole.
I do believe that divorce is a terrible thing! (please hear that) But I just don't think that, even in this pain, there is evidence that God would be legalistic to forbid divorce only in cases of sexual unfaithfulness (surely physical abuse would be grounds!).
Ok so on to my psychological understanding of the problem of divorce. First of all, I think you're granting me too much power. Just because I say the clients should get a divorce does not mean that they will do as I say. In fact, psychologists occasionally use something called a paradoxical intervention. Here the psychologist can do something, knowing the client will not do it, in order to get them to do the opposite. Suggesting divorce can often reflect back to the couple just how bad their relationship is and they may suddenly realize their need to change. This is especially true with Christian clients who expect me to help them not divorce. I will of course need to know the client before I suggest this.
As for discernment, I also don't believe that I can discern fully if the pain of a broken marriage will be worse than divorce BUT I don't think we can discern fully in any situation. Often we have to act on what we believe is best. If I had to know fully how to best love a person before I did anything for them, I would never act. Discernment always involves our best judgment, hopefully not too rash but also not too "patient" either. However, another way to address the issue of subjectivity is to administer a paper and pencil test, such as a relational adjustment scale, and thereby get a number to corroborate the gut sense you might have of the marriage. If they score significantly lower than most couples then I would have a more objective reason. I would certainly do this before making any recommendations like divorce.
My suggestion would also not be cut-and-dry. If they were pretty dysfunctional, but not completely destructive as a couple, I might state that, "At this point it seems like getting a divorce would cause just as much damage as staying in the marriage." Then I would see how they respond to this feedback and move on from there but not make any recommendations.
And if they really seemed to have enduring conflicts and as if divorce was a better option I would say, "It seems like getting a divorce would cause less damage than remaining married because you have not shown the ability to change how you relate with one another. However, before we make that decision, I believe that separation can often allow old wounds to heal. Therefore, I believe that it would be best if you two were to separate for 6 months, without dating other people, and see if your relationship will improve when you get back together."
I know, despite the length, I haven't responded well to all of your criticisms but perhaps this sheds some light on where I was coming from. Since it is so long I can't guarantee that I have stated things clearly. Please feel free to respond as I can tell you are coming from the perspective of being sure of your beliefs and also having a willingness to learn. (You did post a comment rather than just ignoring the blog) Both of these characteristics are good! I hope I've framed my beliefs in the context of what I value so as to explain how I reached my conclusions. God bless!
Hello Curt,
Just wanted to thank you for your thorough response to my comment. I haven't had time to appropriately go through your arguments since I'm in school myself, but I am planning on responding actually, as soon as the school load lightens. Best to you as you finish this semester.
Sara
I should add that I've recently heard some research that found that conflictual couples that stay together often produce less psychological damage on their kids than those who divorce. That fact doesn't sway my opinion completely on recommending divorce in certain cases, but it certainly causes me to be more reluctant to suggest divorce. Fortunately I haven't been put into this position as a therapist, yet.
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