Faith and Fear

            Does having faith mean that we never feel fear? Some people, in fact a lot of Christians, believe that it does. They point to Scripture, such as “Fear not, for I am with you” (Isaiah 41:10). I think that oversimplifies the matter. Can you imagine someone who never felt fear and how often their life would be in danger? Fear is a basic emotion that keeps us from ruining our lives, socially, emotionally, and physically. Consider how fear of public speaking can be useful. Sometimes people wish they could feel comfortable speaking in front of a crowd but if we had absolutely no fear then we might walk up on stage and say something that could damage our reputation if we were not prepared. Fear can help us shore up our resources to meet an important challenge.

            I think Scripture teaches us that we should be worried and afraid about the right things. We should “fear God” and that means we should have anxiety about ensuring that our life resembles the one he has called us to. To fear God means having enough anxiety to perform well at our jobs, to act with integrity, to consider our appearance, and to maintain our relationships. Sometimes faith means that we take our lives a little more seriously than we otherwise would, that we strive to develop integrity, to work hard at our calling, and to show compassion, and we should fear the absence of these qualities in our lives.

            Of course, faith really does offer us a solution to the crippling and obsessive anxiety that sometimes can ruin our day and take away our peace. The line that is drawn is the one between that we can control and that we cannot. Our task is to work hard at what we can control, to be afraid that we will miss out on the opportunity to be part of God’s work, and to surrender over to God everything that is out of our hands.

The Trauma of Being Alone

“No man is an island, Entire of itself…” (John Donne, 1624)

            Sometimes we forget how dangerous loneliness is to our soul. If we are designed to be connected to one another, then any situation that leaves us without that sort of connection will be traumatizing. In fact, the research supports the idea that loneliness is traumatizing. Studies have looked at orphaned infants who had all of their basic needs met but who were not provided with love and affection. These studies have found that these infants grow up poorly, with much lower intelligence, higher rates of criminal activity, poorer emotional adjustment, among other problems. Humans are engrained to need companionship and love as a basic need that helps them develop and flourish.

            In adults, we see similar problems when people have both their community and their marriage destroyed. When that occurs, the person becomes depressed, angry, and anxious, all signs of trauma. Now trauma usually refers to situations where our life is put in danger, which is not the case when we are alone. Instead, loneliness is traumatizing because our soul is put in danger. We define ourselves according to our relationships with others. The child who is loved will feel that they are lovable. The adult who has friends will feel they are likable. And the adult who has a loving marriage will believe that their soul is a treasure.

            In other words, other people are mirrors by which we know who we are. Without a mirror by which we can see ourselves, we cannot truly know who we are and, in a way, our self is at risk of dying. Sometimes we need to be aware that we may miserable not because of our life situation, problems at our work, or because of a chemical imbalance. We may be feeling miserable because we do not have a community that truly knows us. If that describes you, then you may actually be suffering from the trauma of being alone. Perhaps what you need to do, before you get your life in order, is to search out a friend. The place I would suggest you could begin is at church, which exists to be a community which can help our souls come alive again.

The Power of the Word

            Therapy has been called “the talking cure.” In a culture that often looks to medications and surgeries for healing and transformation, the idea that words can heal seems almost superstitious. Yet, the spoken word has been a central component to Christian faith since the beginning. Genesis 1 tells how God spoke the world into existence. Then God tasked Adam and Eve to name all the animals, a job requiring words. John 1 describes Jesus as “the Word.” Throughout the Bible we learn that God is a God who speaks and produces transformation.

            Words are transformative. In therapy, we recognize that talking about problems and facing them honestly produce changes. Incredibly, therapy is often found to either match or outperform the efficacy of drugs in reducing symptoms of mental health conditions, many of which we know are due to “neurochemical imbalances” and other biological causes. It’s such a mystery how words can actually transform our bodies and minds but I sure am thankful they can.

Why Can’t I Get Better On My Own?

            The title of this blog reflects a thought that many people wrestle with when they enter therapy. The idea that they “need help” is distasteful, as if just by entering into a counselor’s office, they have given up their sanity. Suddenly, a person can feel a great deal of shame just because they have acknowledged that they have gotten stuck with a problem.

            In reality, needing help is just a normal part of life. There are three main reasons why we sometimes need help with our lives:

1) On our own, we try to solve new problems with old solutions. Being avoidant, passive-aggressive, self-critical, or irresponsible, to name a few, may have worked for us in the past, but it is not working for us now.

2) On our own, we are comfortable in our discomfort. We fear that making the change will be harder than staying the same.

3) On our own, we hate to admit when we’re wrong. Pride can creep in and make us think that we should have it all together all the time.

            The reality is that trying to get better on our own is sometimes the truly “insane” thing to try to do because we can often fail so miserably. Sometimes all we need is to seek out a listening ear with some wisdom to help us through. Other times it is more appropriate to get high-quality, professional help rather than letting untrained friends and family suggest what we ought to do. I hope that you learn to accept that we are all human and need help from time to time. Sometimes we just need to talk with someone who can help us see where things are going wrong and then support us as we stir up the courage to change.

Approaching God

            In couple’s therapy, one key dynamic that I frequently see is that of pursue/withdraw. One partner, feeling disconnected from their partner, will try to engage them in some way, sometimes by asking questions, sometimes by being physically close, and sometimes by trying to provoke an argument. The other partner will often respond by withdrawing, either physically or emotionally, because their partner’s intrusiveness feels overwhelming and threatening. When the pursuer notices their partner withdrawing, they often ramp up the pursuit because they now feel lonely and abandoned. On and on this cycle goes. The pursuer pursues. So the withdrawer withdraws. So the pursuer pursues. So the withdrawer withdraws.

            Perhaps our relationship with God is not so different from the way we often relate with our spouses. Are there not times in your life where you felt God’s absence and tried to evoke a sense of his presence by praying, reading your Bible, or just being more spiritual? And then you have probably had times where you have feared that God will not really be there for you, so you withdraw from him (at least in part) and begin to take care of yourself.

            I believe that God does not play our games. I do not think that God “pursues” us in the sense of needing to get our attention. I also do not think that God “withdraws” from us when he feels overwhelmed by us. Rather, God is accessible, engaged, and responsive to us. In other words, God is simply and irrevocably present in our lives.

            The challenge we have in front of us involves the capacity to risk approaching God, vulnerable and open, presenting our lives to Him. By “approach” I mean that we come before God as we are rather than trying to pull God into our life, as the pursuer might try to do. In approaching God we also do not try to manage our life on our own, as the withdrawer might try to do, but instead present our requests to Him. We hide neither our desires nor our fears from God’s sight.  

            We know that couples will be more intimate if they express their deeper needs to one another (the pursuer’s need for comfort and connection and the withdrawer’s need for safety and stability) and have their partner respond to that need. In the same way, if you bring forth your heart before God, you may find that he truly cares for it.