On Anger and Fury

I hope you first read my previous blog on Resentment before reading this as it sets up the distinction between anger and resentment. I begin with Ephesians 4:26, "In your anger, do not sin." This surprises some who associate anger with sin. But there are numerous records of people in the Bible, including God himself, who use anger to make an appropriate action.

Anger is an internal marker that something is not right. Now I nearly added "with the world" but I quickly recognized that would not be exactly right. I can become angry at the good works of others because of jealousy, greed, and a number of reasons. And this is important because we must not assume that, when we are angry, some injustice has been done to us. As I said in the previous blog, we must begin with self-reflection. Once we know ourselves then we can proceed in the confidence that what we want to reconcile is actually a problem with the world.

Anger is a terrific motivator. We do things that we would otherwise would never do - and we do them with flair so as to make sure we are noticed. This is important because we could otherwise ignore the harm that is being done to our selves. And others would never know they were doing something that was hurtful to you! Anger makes sure we take care of ourselves and helps others act with love towards us.

Anger can communicate to others that what they are doing to us is hurtful. Sometimes another person's behavior is completely appropriate but we still respond in anger. For example, some people have different relational styles that conflict - neither is wrong but one person may become angry at the other person. Anger, properly expressed, can communicate that you need the other person to adjust how they relate to you. This can be a wonderful experience that brings two people together as they adjust to the needs of one another.

So what about righteous anger you might ask? Well, first of all, righteous anger assumes character. We should be careful if we ever excuse our behavior simply as righteous indignation. Sure, Jesus showed intense anger and violence but can we assume to know when this is appropriate in our contexts? By taking the posture that our anger is our reaction and not the direct result of another person's actions, we prepare ourselves to find what the evil is in the world and what the evil is inside of us.

If I could sum it all up I would say: Anger motivates people to communicate that they are hurting. The offense may be real or imagined but the hurt is always real. By learning what angers us and learning how to better communicate our anger to others, we can see the world and ourselves truthfully. This truth allows us to better love the world and to be loved by it.

The Folly of Resentment

"Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die." - Malachy McCourt (for other quotes on anger go here)

I think there are dueling accounts of how we are supposed to deal with anger. The first perspective sees anger as a vice that demands to be extinguished. The second is that anger must not be ignored and must be expressed in healthy ways. I think the problem is that anger is sometimes confused with resentment. While anger involves an emotional reaction, resentment is the unwillingness to let anger subside and forgive the offender. In that light, I want to say a few things about resentment.

I have often tried to change my thinking about an event while I'm angry. It is near impossible. Anger demands that the feelings be dealt with by our behavior. In order to avoid resentment there are a number of steps we can take. For example, I find praying for a person that you are angry at to be extremely useful because deep down it reminds me to love the other person. I simply cannot tell myself the facts about why I shouldn't resent and condemn a person. I need to put belief into action. Perhaps this is why Jesus said "Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you." Luke 6:27-28

But why change? Why stop resenting someone who you may have spent a lifetime resenting? There are a myriad of reasons. But perhaps the most persuasive is that resentment does more harm to you than to them. We know this but we fear forgiveness will permit people to harm us again and we feel so safe buried in our resentment. But as we forgive, praying for those who harmed us and even doing good actions for them (if it is safe to do so), we actually walk into the light of joy and freedom. We may be hurt again but at least we avoid hurting ourselves.

God, I surrender my hatred to you. I pray that you bless those who have trampled on my spirit and have caused me so much pain. Shower them with blessings. Make them into a light for the world and a blessing to others. And forgive me for my unwillingness to forgive, when I have been forgiven so much. Amen.

Or the 4-word prayer: "Bless them, change me."

I will post later on how to deal with anger in more productive ways.