Why Can’t I Get Better On My Own?

            The title of this blog reflects a thought that many people wrestle with when they enter therapy. The idea that they “need help” is distasteful, as if just by entering into a counselor’s office, they have given up their sanity. Suddenly, a person can feel a great deal of shame just because they have acknowledged that they have gotten stuck with a problem.

            In reality, needing help is just a normal part of life. There are three main reasons why we sometimes need help with our lives:

1) On our own, we try to solve new problems with old solutions. Being avoidant, passive-aggressive, self-critical, or irresponsible, to name a few, may have worked for us in the past, but it is not working for us now.

2) On our own, we are comfortable in our discomfort. We fear that making the change will be harder than staying the same.

3) On our own, we hate to admit when we’re wrong. Pride can creep in and make us think that we should have it all together all the time.

            The reality is that trying to get better on our own is sometimes the truly “insane” thing to try to do because we can often fail so miserably. Sometimes all we need is to seek out a listening ear with some wisdom to help us through. Other times it is more appropriate to get high-quality, professional help rather than letting untrained friends and family suggest what we ought to do. I hope that you learn to accept that we are all human and need help from time to time. Sometimes we just need to talk with someone who can help us see where things are going wrong and then support us as we stir up the courage to change.

Approaching God

            In couple’s therapy, one key dynamic that I frequently see is that of pursue/withdraw. One partner, feeling disconnected from their partner, will try to engage them in some way, sometimes by asking questions, sometimes by being physically close, and sometimes by trying to provoke an argument. The other partner will often respond by withdrawing, either physically or emotionally, because their partner’s intrusiveness feels overwhelming and threatening. When the pursuer notices their partner withdrawing, they often ramp up the pursuit because they now feel lonely and abandoned. On and on this cycle goes. The pursuer pursues. So the withdrawer withdraws. So the pursuer pursues. So the withdrawer withdraws.

            Perhaps our relationship with God is not so different from the way we often relate with our spouses. Are there not times in your life where you felt God’s absence and tried to evoke a sense of his presence by praying, reading your Bible, or just being more spiritual? And then you have probably had times where you have feared that God will not really be there for you, so you withdraw from him (at least in part) and begin to take care of yourself.

            I believe that God does not play our games. I do not think that God “pursues” us in the sense of needing to get our attention. I also do not think that God “withdraws” from us when he feels overwhelmed by us. Rather, God is accessible, engaged, and responsive to us. In other words, God is simply and irrevocably present in our lives.

            The challenge we have in front of us involves the capacity to risk approaching God, vulnerable and open, presenting our lives to Him. By “approach” I mean that we come before God as we are rather than trying to pull God into our life, as the pursuer might try to do. In approaching God we also do not try to manage our life on our own, as the withdrawer might try to do, but instead present our requests to Him. We hide neither our desires nor our fears from God’s sight.  

            We know that couples will be more intimate if they express their deeper needs to one another (the pursuer’s need for comfort and connection and the withdrawer’s need for safety and stability) and have their partner respond to that need. In the same way, if you bring forth your heart before God, you may find that he truly cares for it.

Sources of Emotional Problems (Emotions Part 4 of 4)

            Here I would like to come full circle in this series about emotions and return to our first question: are emotions good or bad? While we came to the conclusion that emotions are good, because they help us express our needs and motivate us towards action, we have also noted that emotions can sometimes become problematic. In this final post, I want to take a deeper look at how emotions can cause difficulties in our lives.

            One way that emotions become problematic is when the emotion does not produce change. If emotions are a signal for some type of action we should be taking, such as setting a boundary with an intrusive individual, but we do not know how to take that action, then we will feel stress. The key to resolving stress is to identify what action needs to be made and then making that change, which often requires tenacious courage, as well as support from others. On the other hand, if the emotion is a signal that something is wrong internally and cannot be easily fixed, such as feeling ashamed about having a bad temper, then the typical response is to become numb. The key to overcoming numbness is to focus on transformation of the self. Once you stop numbing the feelings, the motivation to change often returns so that you can change.

            A second way that emotions cause problems is when people lack the ability to regulate their emotions, or express them appropriately. Some people tend towards over-regulation, where they tend to inhibit all feelings, while others may under-regulate their feelings, becoming emotional or angry easily. The key here is finding homeostasis, or a balance point in your emotional life, where you can experience the passion of emotions but also be able to function effectively and achieve your goals. The key is to be able to allow your emotions to arise in response to your life situation but also to be able to resolve those emotions so that they do not become too intense or endure for too long. Problems with either under- or over-regulation of emotions lead to a lack of homeostasis, which leads to a less than fulfilling life.

            The last way that emotions can challenge our lives is when our emotions lead us to make improper conclusions about our life in the world. Emotions are crucial for making meaning, such as when we learn that life is precious while grieving the loss of a loved one. However, some emotions, such as depression, can lead us to believe life is hopeless or that nobody loves us. We probably know many people who have abandoned faith in God because they encountered difficult circumstances in their life and were unable to make meaning of these times. This process of meaning-making is one where emotions shape our thoughts considerably and where we are subject to making incredibly false conclusions.

            As you can see, emotions can cause tremendous problems in our lives: stress, numbness, being over-reactive, lacking joy, and leading us to miss the real meaning of our lives. Nonetheless, emotions are a gift that God has given us so that we may be fully alive. I hope that you may find the path that leads you to live the emotional life that God has in store for you, where you can feel joy, hope, and love.

Internal and External Emotions (Emotions Part 3 of 4)

            As a follow-up to the last blog, I would like to go into a little more detail about what we causes us to become emotional. In general, we can differentiate emotional reactions to external events from reactions we have to our own internal processes. External emotions are reactions to anything that occurs outside of our own experience, such as being ignored by a friend or dealing with hot weather. These emotions give meaning to the world and allow us to see how these events will affect our well-being.  Being afraid of heights is meant to help us become aware that falling from a high point can hurt us.

            Internal emotions, on the other hand, are reactions to our own thoughts, perceptions, and emotions. With internal emotions, we are often reacting to our own emotions. These internal emotions allow us to change who we are and the goals we have. In their proper form, internal emotions allow us to see how we reacted in a particular situation and grow towards maturity. It is good for us to feel embarrassed if we commit a social faux-pas or to feel satisfied if we share our wealth. These emotions push us to continue to grow.

            However, internal emotions can also be destructive. If I constantly criticize myself for my actions, my fear of making a mistake may actually become so intense that I can no longer function well, thus leading to more mistakes. Feelings of shame are internal emotions that no longer help us to become better people but may actually lead us towards hopelessness and depression. These types of dysfunctional internal emotions are often the root of many types of psychological disorders. The task we have is to differentiate between external and internal emotions, paying particular attention to emotions about ourselves that may no longer be helping us thrive.

Primary and Secondary Emotions (Emotions Part 2 of 4)

            One way of understanding emotions is to differentiate between primary and secondary emotions. Primary emotions are the first reactions we have to a situation. For instance, if we are driving and another driver cuts us off in a dangerous manner, our primary emotion is fear. Secondary emotions are reactions to our own emotional and cognitive processes. So, if our initial feeling of fear in response to being cut off was unpleasant, we may start to get angry as a means of asserting our right to be able to drive without being cut-off, which helps restore our sense of control and lessens our fear.

            Generally, there is nothing to be done with primary emotions except acknowledge the feelings and allow yourself to experience them. Your primary emotions are basic reactions to a particular situation and are thus neither bad nor good (see previous blog). Primary emotions will generally dissipate fairly quickly if you accept them as they occur. Secondary emotions, on the other hand, require a little bit more cognitive processing to move past. You may get scared by a bad driver for a moment but rarely will you stay scared for a long period of time, although you may feel angry for a long while.

            You can become stuck with a secondary emotion because secondary emotions are built upon a sense of self that is in conflict with your true self. If you think that you are unable to be harmed, then a careless driver threatens that sense of self and the only way you can regain your belief in your own invincibility is to remain angry until you forget what happened. Or, using another example, if you feel that “real men don’t cry” then you may stay angry/grumpy until you get past whatever made you sad in the first place, which can take much longer than it would have if you had just expressed the sadness in the first place.

            To get past a secondary emotion, the task is to be able to identify what your primary emotion actually is and to understand why you chose to express your secondary emotion instead. The woman who feels depressed about herself after being passed by for a promotion may actually benefit from expressing anger that her boss has not recognized her excellent work, which she may have otherwise felt would have been prideful. This work of identifying your primary emotions and your self-concept can be a place where God’s grace can enter and show you how to love yourself as God loves you.