One way of
understanding emotions is to differentiate between primary and secondary
emotions. Primary emotions are the first reactions we have to a situation. For
instance, if we are driving and another driver cuts us off in a dangerous
manner, our primary emotion is fear. Secondary emotions are reactions to our
own emotional and cognitive processes. So, if our initial feeling of fear in
response to being cut off was unpleasant, we may start to get angry as a means
of asserting our right to be able to drive without being cut-off, which helps
restore our sense of control and lessens our fear.
Generally,
there is nothing to be done with primary emotions except acknowledge the
feelings and allow yourself to experience them. Your primary emotions are basic
reactions to a particular situation and are thus neither bad nor good (see
previous blog). Primary emotions will generally dissipate fairly quickly if you
accept them as they occur. Secondary emotions, on the other hand, require a
little bit more cognitive processing to move past. You may get scared by a bad
driver for a moment but rarely will you stay scared for a long period of time,
although you may feel angry for a long while.
You can
become stuck with a secondary emotion
because secondary emotions are built upon a sense of self that is in conflict
with your true self. If you think that you are unable to be harmed, then a
careless driver threatens that sense of self and the only way you can regain
your belief in your own invincibility is to remain angry until you forget what
happened. Or, using another example, if you feel that “real men don’t cry” then
you may stay angry/grumpy until you get past whatever made you sad in the first
place, which can take much longer than it would have if you had just expressed the
sadness in the first place.
To get past
a secondary emotion, the task is to be able to identify what your primary
emotion actually is and to understand why you chose to express your secondary
emotion instead. The woman who feels depressed about herself after being passed
by for a promotion may actually benefit from expressing anger that her boss has
not recognized her excellent work, which she may have otherwise felt would have
been prideful. This work of identifying your primary emotions and your self-concept
can be a place where God’s grace can enter and show you how to love yourself as
God loves you.
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