Feeling Gracefull

I'm sitting here typing this as a free-form monologue. I have an idea of what I want to say but have not really thought it out. I guess I should start by saying that I'm questioning where I am with the whole "grace of God" thing.

I've been pretty fortunate to find a community lately where I can practice confession and receive the grace of the community. In fact, if you would look at my life you might even think: "he may not be perfect but he sure is trying to be." I have never been so disciplined in my life. I read my Bible in the morning and in the evening. I call people to be encouraged and they encourage me. I am even trying to discover the hidden sins in my life through journaling. Think I'm boasting? Well it would be strange to boast about needing outside help just to be normal.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I worry if I'm denying myself the grace of God. Occassionally I feel burdened by my lifestyle but typically I enjoy it. I have been on a downward slope all my life. And for the first time in my life I am confident that I am on the way up. It was tragic to feel myself wasting away and so a guy who found it nearly unbearable to do any type of work has begun to live a disciplined life. Simply amazing.

I don't know. Honestly I don't. I don't know if I'm simply burdening myself and one day I will snap. It doesn't feel like it. But sometimes I forget to read my Bible or I intentionally ignore people who would build my soul, and afterwards I feel like crap. Guilty and ashamed. Does that make me a slave to legalism? I sure hope not. But I know I'm leaning towards it. I want to learn to love. I want to learn to love others and myself. Sure I am obsessed with myself but I want to learn to love myself.

I wish I could be more forgiving. I think that is true love. "[Love] keeps no record of wrongs." (1 Corinthians 13:5. How am I to live with the knowledge that I am wrong? I don't really know. Do I meditate on Christ's death? Do I remember that God loves us while we are sinners?

Should I simply live with my shortcomings and put Christ's salvation in the stead of everything else? Should I give up trying to be a better man? I cannot. It is the knowledge of just how wrong I am that drives me back to being spiritually disciplined. I tried for so long to "accept God's grace" (i.e. not do anything except try to feel God loving me) and yet nothing came of it.

But of course I am not completely cleared of all wrong. I am wrong when I brutalize myself with guilt over my mistakes. I wish I could laugh at myself more. Not condescendingly, just laughing at my own silliness. That is freedom. Instead I insult myself. I heap up guilt onto myself so that I will feel bad about being bad. But God promises grace. God builds humility through failure. But shame is a false humility.

Then I am wrong when I shut myself off from God and others when I feel any guilt. I'm so full of myself that I want to appear perfect. I wish I could turn my shortcomings into ways where I can connect with God. For I know I need Him in those moments. Our failures ought to drive us into the arms of God and our fellows. We ought to see our need for them and reach out for help.

With all the times I've failed, I should be humbler than Mother Teresa. Instead I feel more shame than John Mark Karr.

True humility is clarity and serenity on who we are combined with the willingness to receive help in becoming more. For God loves us in our weaknesses. The experience of that is what I call feeling gracefull.