Freedom from fear

Originally posted September 20th, 2005.

It seems for all the wisdom I claim to have, all I can really say is mine are my experiences. Tonight was sort of a breakthrough for me. I watched the Exorcism of Emily Rose despite my protests that I don't like scary movies. I sorta just fell in and found myself in the theatre. But if you ever watch a scary movie with me (which will be a rare thing since I HATE scary movies) knows that I get quite agitated. I had to close my eyes at several parts in the movie and well... pray. But that's not what I want to talk about. I want to talk about my fear. My fear as I came home to a new room on a dark night separate from everyone.

I want to talk about the immense fear that has controlled my life for the 23 years of it I can remember. I am afraid of: spiders, heights, large crowds, the dark, admitting my defects*, monsters coming out of closets and just about anything else you can imagine. I'm a sad pathetic case I know. And for the longest time I have felt alone because I never sensed that anyone suffered with fear as I do. For those who do suffer, may this be an encouragement and a learning tool for you.

Now the psychologist side in me knows that the most effective technique to deal with phobias is systematic desensitization. But I realize tonight that if I were to undergo that I would be missing a chance at a better type of recovery. Tonight I tried something I have just started learning to do. Recognizing the presence of God and !!!surrendering!!! my right to be afraid. Every logical bone in my body tells me there is really nothing to be afraid of yet I still feel like I MUST be afraid. Instead of fighting the fear I give up my right to be afraid.

What's the difference you ask? Well fighting fear is the attempt to focus on your rational thoughts that there is nothing to be afraid of. I have learned that this is simply not effective as the phobia is more powerful than me and the fear returns soon after and the obsession with fear never dispels. Instead tonight I said that I give up the right to be afraid. Deep down inside me there is a twisted belief that my fear will keep me safe from harm... keep me from being a victim of a power outside of me. In reality the fear inside of me is doing me more harm by taking my life away from me. So I speak directly to the lie and say "I give up the right to be protected from harm by fear. I want to be free from fear even if it kills me."

So I simply prayed that I want to live the full life rather than be protected by some destructive force within me. See the difference? One way relies on your own attention span, focus, desire, focusing on the problem (the irrationality of my fear). The other way gives up your deepest belief and is willing to die rather than stay the same, it focuses on the solution (being free from fear). But who am I to honestly say I'm ready to die?? No at some level I know that I will not really die because God has promised me a life without fear ("perfect love casts out fear"). Therefore I surrender my fear into the hands of God and trust him to make me whole. This is my experience, this is what I must attest to.

*Note as I post this I do it thoughtfully because I am afraid of people knowing my deepest fears. I'm afriad even that my solution will sound crazy. But I do this for myself first and then as a tool to help others. So instead of doing it rashly I am thinking RIGHT NOW about the costs of posting this and how afraid I am to expose my fears. But as I have written down this blog I have felt empowered to surrender. How wonderful it is to write a blog about something that I am currently doing!